I know I've been gone awhile, and while I am not still quite sure what I am doing here to begin with maybe someone will take all my chaos and it will comfort them in some way. I just want people to know they aren't alone because Motherhood can become a prison if you're not careful.
That's not what a signed up for.
My life's been a bit crazy.
I took a last minute trip to Philadelphia in December, (my 2nd of the year). I got to see Miley Cyrus on her Dead Petz tour with the Flaming Lips, and spend time with one of my favorite people. I came home and then Christmas happened, that was nuts! I mean, it's been a great year. 2015 was just insane, but truthfully it's been about growing up. I got back to being myself. I got back to where I felt I should have started awhile ago, before I had Hunter.
Which is why we should discuss something here ....
Life before kids is interesting because there are so many blanks that you have to fill in on your own. You are basically this blank slate of open spaces, and you have endless choices. I don't regret becoming a Mom, or not being a perfect Mother, (no matter how harshly I judge myself at times). However I do regret one thing, and that is losing myself in becoming a Mother so much so that I lost sight of who I was. For future reference, this is not a healthy practice in any relationship.
When you're a child, you know your intermediate family; your parents, your siblings. You live in a bubble until you go to school, and then all of a sudden it's like the sky opens up and friends fall in. At first, its exhilarating! Those are your first conscience choices you make without the guidance of your parents and sure sometime,s they're based on silly things like; who has your favorite character lunch box or whose got a big play room. The point of that though is to exercise your mind on the subject of choice and the power that has over your life.
I used to paint. I used to sit in my room and read books, for hours. I loved making things out of paper, like little towns and stuff. Once I became a Mom, I got annoyed with those things about myself. Why would you possibly need to do that thing you love because there's dishes to be done, or laundry? So my interests weren't my own anymore, they were relegated back to space fillers. You don't have to stop traveling just because you have a child, with careful planning you can still get away. I do it a lot. Even if its just trips to see my friends, I get out of the bubble that I've made for myself.
As it stands now, I don't think I'm going to be one of those Mother's that always lives and breathes for her children. I love my child, but I've seen the other side of it too. The nasty underbelly of regret, and lost years, so much so that when your babies leave the nest some years later you have to completely relearn who you are because they were who you were. For my life, this is a decision I've made and that is to do what makes me the happiest. If I'm happy, then my boy will be happy.
It's short and sweet, but such is life and we've only got one.
Time to adventure.
xo,
C
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