Falling Off the Wagon

So was I the only one who tanked after Christmas on their diet that was going extremely well?

I didn't make New Year's resolutions this year, besides getting healthier and being happier. However, between the stresses of January and February; weather, traveling, work, and other things I kind of lost myself. 

I fell off the wagon.

I'm committed to going back to the gym. I'm committed to my smoothies, and a hardcore diet for the next few weeks because I would love to feel like a goddess on my birthday which is just a few weeks away. I'm not expecting monumental changes, but I just want to feel better. Thankfully I still have time, and more time afterward to get ready for Summer.

One of the reasons I think I stopped was the overwhelming feeling I get when I go to the gym and I literally feel like I'm the only fat girl there. (Yes, I see you lady judging me on the elliptical.) Gyms aren't just for skinny people though, and sure, I see a big girl once in awhile but it's rare so I started panicking in the car one day and I haven't been back since.

The sheltered life has kicked me in the face, yet again. I don't want to be like this in this body forever though. It's overwhelming shopping for clothes, and all my other friends can wear whatever they want and I have to wear a potato sack. So I'm working backwards and starting over.

Here are my new goals:

1) I refuse to wear dumpy gym clothes. I work in retail right now and I can afford nicer, newer things because I deserve them. Working out doesn't have to feel dumpy.

2) I need new gym shoes. Something that can handle Zumba and like light running. I know nothing about shoes. I bought my last pair on clearance at Walmart, but they're horrible for Zumba.

3) I need to not judge myself. I need to love the part of myself that likes going to the gym.

4) I need to cut down on the classes. Healthy competition is good, but panic attacks are not! I usually start panicking before the classes, and then I only get through half because I mess up a step. I hate messing up, I took serious dance classes as a kid so I can't deal with failure.

5) I need to learn to fail. I need to have good days and bad days at the gym!

Did you ever fall off the wagon? How did you get back up? Leave me a comment, or suggestion and I'll write a post compiling them together in the next week. I'd love to hear from you.

xo,

C

#BeYou

This is a difficult post to write, firstly because I hate admitting that I'm not a perfect person. If you're reading this thinking, "No Caroline, there's already enough sad panda, interwebz drama happening please don't make us sit through this." Hear me out!

I'm not a perfect Mom no matter how hard I try.

I most certainly don't have a perfect body. This is something I struggle with every day of my life.

I'm never all the way calm, cool, and collected but I'm excellent at faking it.

I get angry and stressed out super easily, but I've come A LONG way.

I'm selfish, and sometimes because of that I can be pretty mean even to people who love me.

I can list for you, all of these things I'm not but that doesn't tell you who I really am. I took that picture at the lake yesterday, partly in jest, because that huge white space where my one piece would easily conceal some of my imperfections wouldn't tell you the story of why this is my happy place. Why this is my body's happy place! Yes, it'a a lake house. Yes, I love to swim, and share it with Hunter. Yes, I automatically revert back to age 8 when I go there expecting my great-grandmother to come around the corner at any second and hug me with her skinny, wrinkly arms and where I mouth song lyrics to my Aunt as we do silly dances in plastic deck chairs.

In this place, in my safe space this is where I came to be who I was. I could sing along to the radio on the screen porch, or sit out listening to my family yammer on about old stories. I put on plays in the living room, and hid in the bathroom from the boy who I had a crush on when I was 5. I spent Christmases in that house, looking out across an empty lake bottom as lights twinkled in the distance. It was the most beautiful, precious untouched place where I truly felt in every way total freedom. I tanned. I swam. I ate. I grew. I did everything that I was supposed to and I was exactly who I was without question.

I come back now to relive a little. It also makes me aware that in this place where no judgement was passed, and where little could be done about the weather in which case we wore less clothes. I owe everything that I like about myself to this place, but I don't give it back. I owe myself the courage, and the generosity, to be nicer to myself. I'm not like so many things that I wish I was! However, what I am is a body, and a vehicle, for all my hopes and dreams which I can't achieve if I'm always afraid of what the world if going to think about the way I look. Skin is just merely armor, it doesn't tell the whole story and it certainty doesn't tell your story.

A two piece bathing suit was a start of a whole different journey, but we all owe it to ourselves to be kinder to ourselves. Just be kind. Be yourself, and love yourself just like you would love someone else. Also, I love my tattoo. I think I'm ready for another one.

Until then,  soak up the rest of that Summer sun in whatever you feel comfortable in.

xo,

Caroline